Next week, I have an exam coming up at university as well as two large pieces of coursework due in. I've been struggling to get it all done with Matt working and Lily being a typical two-year old so she has been to stay at relatives houses the past couple of weekends so I can have some quiet time to just work.
I though this was a really good idea. Lily gets to go on an adventure away from mum and dad and I get a fair chance at getting my work done. All was fine until someone made a comment that sent my mind spiralling. "Packed her off again I see, two weeks running that?"
I suddenly felt so crap and useless and spent most of the next few days wondering if I was a crappy parent who just dumps her child on everyone else and never bothers. I really questioned myself as a parent for the first time in what feels like forever. I had never seen it as "packing her off" before, I saw it as being an adult and admitting I needed some help.
I love my daughter more than anything, but I want to make her proud and get a good grade when I finish university (one year left!) and to do that, I've got to do the work. I know I don't get to spend all day with her like I want, but I know that when she's older and I have a good job to provide for her, we'll all see how much the stress was worth it.
Am I bad for asking for help? I never usually let her go off for so many weekends in row, it just happened that I went to a wedding, then she was going for a sleepover anyway and then I had the world biggest deadline chasing me like a hungry tiger! I know though, that if I had done it the other way round, I still would have been moaned at with someone saying "oh you shouldn't have gone to uni if your can't commit to the work".
This really is a rant about it really. I know I'm not that bad of mum. Granted I'm not the best, I get wrong every now then and I'm learning with Lily, surely that's the point if parenting, but I wish people on the outside would realise how much a small comment can affect someones confidence.
What ever you do as mum, whether you stay at home, go back to education, work, whatever, always remember that there will be a group of people who make you feel crap and useless and wrong, but there is also a handful of people who will help. Asking for help isn't bad or admitting defeat, it's called being an adult and a parent and I'm proud of that.
Okay, you're safe, rant over!