Is anyone else just completely swamped with life? I feel like I am about to scream at the top of my lungs with frustration and exhaustion.
The past few months have been manic! I'm finishing up my last university assignment, I've started my new job, Matt has been busy with his business and Lily has stepped up the threenager antics by about 1000%. My nerves are on the brink of shattering from either stress or sleep deprivation. As an individual who likes to be on top or everything in her life, right now is not good and to top it all off, some idiot caused my car windscreen to crack. Cue me breaking down into a blubbering mess! It's all just awful lately!
Next week is my birthday and right now the greatest present would be two days to myself to just clean and re-organise my life to get it back on track as even the smallest things are starting to bother me. My beloved Happiness Planner is starting to wear out and I was practically heartbroken when one of the small tabs came off, Lily needs new shoes as her flippers have grown once more but payday is just not here soon enough! I want to flop into bed, get a box set and forget it all.
I knew this stage of the year was going to be tough, being pulled in so many different directions at once is never easy, but I didn't anticipate just how tough it is. I had this idyll of uni days being filled with assignments, then work days just focusing on work and then using my evenings to catch up with Lily, Matt and the housework. Oh no...it's all one big jumble sale, grab what you can and go with it and it's horrid. It's just all nuts! Your final year at university should come with a health warning it's that much of a stress generator. It's the most important year in terms of focusing and getting the right grades, yet some lectures all seem to be M.I.A! It's as if it's seen that we should be good now, but after getting into around £30,000 of debt from this, I'd like some continued guidance!
This is Then there is the added pressure of organising and paying for the wedding (seven months to go guys) and that has thrown up a world of problems of its own.
It's left me feeling like an awful mum! I'm still adjusting to the work balance of only seeing Lily when she wakes up and just before bedtime and I think after years of having at least two days in the week free to spend with her, the adjustment is hard. I'm missing our regular activities and from snuggling and speaking to her, so is she and that's what breaks my heart the most. She's three and is quite aware of her surroundings and to have her say that she misses not doing this with me and that with me physically made me cry and left me deflated. I've tried explaining to her that yes, mummy being out at work all the time now is different and hard, but it means the days we do get to spend together are even more special and that it will give us same extra funds to try new things together, but she didn't quite get that. She just sees that mummy was there and now she isn't..
I'm really hoping that once university is finished and I just have work to focus on during the day hat things will start to even out again. It will be nice to just focus on work during the day and then family and wedding planning in my spare time. Something is shouting at me though that this could well be wishful thinking.
It's been a similar feeling to that in the newborn stage of parenting. There's so much going on and want to be on top of everything, but the sleep deprivation wins the battle 9/10. Like the newborn stage, I'm sure it will pass, I just don't know when.