87 days, 14 hours, 37 minuets...
That's how long I have left until I marry the man I love and although I'm excited, the planning process recently has made me realise that my best friend isn't going to be there. My wonderful grandfather, my papa, wont be there.
My mum's dad was always my partner crime, we did most things together and would call all the time. Weekends were my favourite. We'd get up early, he'd pick em up from home and we go to our boat, even if it was just to sit in it and have lunch. Other people would sometimes join us, but I think they felt a bit awkward infiltrating our little bubble. He really was my best friend, he kept everything of mine on confidence as I have done him. He took quite a few of my confidences literally to the grave (told you, best friend ever!)
This week, we hit the three month countdown until the day and have started finishing those little details. You know, the bits you get to nearer the end like table names, small decorations and music. Every little bit of it all has made me miss him so much. I miss a lot of things about him, but on occasions like this, it's not seeing him that I miss, it's hearing him.
He always had the best advice and the fact he would tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. I'm slightly dreading of waking up on that morning and hearing everyone give advice, but not his. It's his voice that has always guided me and I know that on this day, we would have gone off somewhere for a quiet 10 minuets and just chatted about everything except the wedding. A part of me still wants to take those 10 minuets for him, but I'm pretty sure they'll all think I'm a bit weird. Most people do when they hear me taking to him out loud (sometimes I just need too!).
All the small details we've been planning recently have made me notice and feel his absence even more. His name isn't on the seating plan, his name isn't on the guest list. We've bought a box frame/ guest book for people to write on, his message will be missing.
One thing that had made it better was that his brother-in-law, my great uncle, was going to be there, but after he passed away a few months ago, the hole is just twice as big. He was the person that I could go and talk to and now, they're both together and I'm here.
How do you fill such a big hole on such an important day? All of these tributes, memory tables and other things people put on Pinterest doesn't bring them back and in all honesty, makes me feel further away from him.
I know the wedding will still fill special, but I'm not sure anything will make up for him not being there.